Welcome Back Home Neighbor — But …

Bangalore’s gated communities are learning new ways to welcome back residents who have traveled. They usually go beyond state recommended codes and create additional quarantine and social isolation procedures. Here is a satirical letter to welcome a neighbor.

Welcome back! Since its been a while (in the time of corona every day is like a year) since you have visited the community, we want to ensure that you know the new procedures followed by dwellers in our layout.

As you know, the PM, CM, and the MC (Prime Minister, Chief Minister, and Management Committee) are only working for the benefit of the people and it is only for their well-being that rules are being promulgated and enforced.

After 3 months of scientific study, we have adopted the latest technology that outwits every virus, guaranteed. And even for Covid-20 which as you know is planned for release in September. This technology is supposedly similar to a vaccine, but for a household, not just a single human.

When you arrive your car will be parked in a specially created shed which serves as a full sanitizing car wash. Then you can exit and enter the human dishwasher. There are 3 sprays: one for viruses, one for bacteria, and one is Bangalore specific (details in the local language can be found on the side).

Your belongings will go thru a special machine which is mobile and selfie safe.

If you have any food or biological products, they will be irradiated in another machine, which promises not to reduce their freshness.

This entire process will take about 3 hours, please plan for it. One problem is that we have not had time to provide toilets, so it is suggested that you fast (esp. no tea or coffee or water) so no unnecessary pressure is experienced during this time.

Pets need extra quarantine from MERS, SARS, Catvid, and Dogvid. They can be housed at nearby farms.

Your maid will have to stay in a specially created treehouse for another week. We are not listening to the unfounded rumors about Maidvid.

Since we rely on neighbors to keep an eye on each other and be there for them during quarantine times, we allow them to visit and welcome you. They will be wearing white Hazmat suits so you might not recognize them, but they are allowed to bring you some fruits. Alcohol is definitely banned, and their are reports of naughty neighbors slipping in a bottle or two. Please do not accept and encourage this behavior.

You can then drive to your home under the watchful eyes of your neighbours. Do not open the windows and wave.

Your home has to be sanitized. The agency will be there in the morning while you are at the gate. It costs $2,400 plus tax (including CovidTax). However, your neighbors will appreciate if you take the next package which costs $3,400 and covers your building in plastic while sanitizing so your neighbors get reduced chemical exposure. You are welcome to collect the difference from them.

Masks are, of course, mandatory. We recommend their use in the home. Remember your neighbors are watching.

Welcome back! We are so glad to see you.
Your neighborly Association

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